Now With 147 Blades That Sing

They spin, they squirt, they vibrate, they marry your ugly sister. The new razors are here!

In response to Schick-Wilkinson Sword's new premium razor, the Quattro, which sports a stack of not two, not three, but four full blades, Gillette has launched an ultra-manly super-deluxe high-tech new razor that sends electric pulses through the handle to induce hair to stand on end and requires a battery and is colored "electric green," like a video game.

Brow furrowed at this news, Schick is reportedly fast tracking the development of a new razor made from the petrified testicles of sacred Alaskan elk. The razor will sport not two, not three, not even four, but fully 147 gold-tipped titanium-honed blades clustered together in a massive head that lights up and spins and sings show tunes and is made in small climate-controlled batches by Tibetan eunuch monks.

Gillette, undeterred, has been long rumored to be developing a secret multiblade razor code named "Hot Bunny Doom" that will shave your cat and parallel park the SUV and translate what the hell your wife is blabbering on about into comprehensible English, all while programming the TiVo to tape only sports shows featuring guys with no necks who like to crush stuff with their foreheads

Mark Morford deeply skewed.